Think Fear. We Do.

Trigger Warning: Passing mentions of anti-vax, Boston Marathon bombing, 9/11

Yes, that's a spoof of the URI "Think Big. We Do." Because fear is more accurate, apparently.
Back in April, we had a lockdown because someone suspected an active shooter on campus (there wasn't one.) And we're a state away from Boston, so we did hear a decent bit about the whole marathon thing. (Frankly, the way that they actually shut down the whole city scares me a lot more than the bombing did, because I'm thinking about what this could serve as a prerequisite for.)
And then, with a little more than a week left, URI announces that it is moving the graduation inside, for sure. For "safety."
Um, no.
There are two main arguments I've got here.
1) We shouldn't be letting fear rule us.
2) It's not actually safer.
So, here's the first: We shouldn't be letting fear rule us.
Bad things happen when we let fear rule. The much-hated Patriot Act? A result of the fear following 9/11. War in Iraq? Result of fear, again. Fear largely coming from lies, by the way. The current measles epidemic (Europe, specifically the UK if I recall)? Yes, fear. That fear came from study fraud about a vaccine and from fear of autism, specifically. Whooping cough running around? Fear again, vaccines again. The entirety of 1984? Fear, fear, and fear, mixed with a healthy dose of hate. Because we hate what we fear. Basically every quack cure for autism ever? Sold on fear of disability, discrimination, abuse that parents think they can save their child from if only they didn't have autism, plus a healthy dose of fear about what autism means for the family. I could go on. Or I could remind everyone about how those who give up liberty for security don't tend to get either.
Which brings me to my second issue.
The Ryan Center, where indoor graduation is? NOT SAFER. Here's some reasons why:

• It was already the rain location. That means that if someone was planning to do anything to graduation, they already had a plan for "What if graduation is in the Ryan Center?"
• In the event of an emergency, being able to enter and exit quickly is important. It's not something you can do at the Ryan Center. It's pretty easy on the Quad.
• The "security" measures they are taking are pretty easy to beat. Like, I know several ways to get things through, even assuming that any bags really are searched. (Seriously, bags "may be subject to search, as needed." Realistically, that means that a white man is highly unlikely to be searched, even though they are statistically speaking the ones most likely to do that kind of thing. Oh, and the Boston guys? I haven't kept enough track to know much, but their photos were definitely of white-passing men, at the least.)
• No, really. The security measures are a joke. Go read about security theater. That's what this is, all the way. 

I'm not really expecting that anything will change their minds, but there is a petition. And if people felt like signing it, that would be cool, even if just so that URI has evidence of how unpopular this thing is and hopefully don't try this ever again. 

How To Hide

Trigger Warning: ALL THE GASLIGHTING, internalized.

Even when speech is hard, requires intense effort and thought, speak. When you absolutely can't, let them think you're just quiet. Or maybe stupid. Don't correct them. When they yell at you on the field for not calling something out yet again, let them believe you don't understand. Convince yourself you just didn't realize you should have shouted. Look at people's noses. Look at people's foreheads. Save your flapping for times when "shaking out an injury" is a plausible explanation, tell people that's what you're doing. When they tell you to toughen up, look down. This talk is one of the few times you don't have to look at them, take advantage. But make sure it's down, not up, or they will say you aren't listening. Keep to yourself. Be the quiet one, even when you can speak, so that no one notices when you can't. Don't make friends. They would notice. Don't flap. Let them think you're stuck up, when quiet isn't enough. Don't cover your ears during fire drills. Don't jump when the bell rings. When you screw up, laugh along with them. Never let them see you cry. And for god's sake, do not pull out pen and paper to speak. No matter how important what you want to say might be, it can wait. It has to wait. Because you're just quiet. You could have said it before, you were just scared. Believe your own lies. You're stuck up, you're quiet, you're anti-social, you don't understand when you should call for help, you're not willing to ask even when you know you need it, you're a wimp, you're lazy. Don't correct them. Don't correct yourself. You deserve the bullying.

FINALLY the last of NaPoWriMo

Here's the last of them.


Reflecting

What can I reflect on, 

What should I think about?

Do I think on impairment?

Do I think on a label now one year old?

Do I reflect on the fear I've been told I must feel?

On the things I've been told I can't do?

No.

I reflect on understanding what has changed and what has not.

I reflect on a world that can not comprehend "Autistic" as a word to claim.

I reflect on a world not made for me.

I reflect on how to remake the world to fit us, we who do not fit today.

Positivity

I am positive.

I am positive that this is ausome.

I am positive that I am tired. 

I am positive that this is worth the spoons it costs.

One day.

One day to remember the rainbows.

One day to reflect (and perhaps to refract) so I can create my own.

 

Echolalia Gets Me Pickles
 

Pickles and ice cream and olives
And pepperoni.
This is what echolalia gets me.
Not once have I been misunderstood.
I see no reason to change.
Not when echolalia gets me pickles.

To You, the Children

You're not wrong. You're not bad. You're different, and you're disabled, but you are not broken or wrong or less and you don't have to be indistinguishable from your peers. You can flap. You can rock. You can write or type instead of speaking, even if you can (usually, sometimes, with more effort than you ever dared admit) speak. You can even admit to how much effort it takes, to how slow speaking really is. And that's OK. Impairments are much less disabling when you accommodate for them, and you can't accommodate for something you can't admit you have. You can admit it. You can bring a pen and paper out with your friends, just in case. You can bring an iPad out with your friends, just in case. If they are really your friends, they will be fine with it. Curious, perhaps, maybe confused, but they won't make a fuss. Because you're just doing what you need to do in order to enjoy your time with them. 

There may be people who bully you, who make fun of you, who beat you up. They might call you horrible things (or things they think are horrible but really aren't if you think about it.) They might tell you it's because of the ways you are different. They are either confused or lying. The bullies who tell you that's why are probably lying. The adults who tell you that it's your fault and that it would stop if you just stopped acting so autistic are probably confused. That doesn't mean you need to be confused. It also doesn't mean that you have to act less autistic. Or that you can't act less autistic, if you think it is worth trying. It might even work, if you can stick out less. (I was never able to- I could get rid of a lot of the more obvious things, but I always stuck out as somehow different.) It might even be worth it, as long as you recognize it for what it is. (It's not you being weak, by the way. It's staying safe in whatever way you can. It's also doing something that you shouldn't have to do, because the way you are is not wrong.) 

The bullying isn't about the specific ways that you are different. It's about people going after anyone who doesn't fit and trying to make them fit, and it's about power, and it's about people who want to hurt others choosing victims they think they can blame for their own victimization. It's about patterns in society that need to be changed, but that doesn't mean you have to change them in elementary school or middle school or high school. (No arguments if you think you can, but you should know that the bullying will get worse before it gets better if you do it that way, and your teachers might well join the bullies rather than simply ignoring them if you try. I had teachers among my bullies.)

No. The important thing is that you know what it is really about. Biding your time until you have a chance to make the changes you want by being the wonderful person you are reasonably safely (never perfectly safe, but worth the risk) might not look much different than hiding because you think they're right and because you agree that you are broken, but it is different. It's very different.

This post has been added to the Down Wit Dat October 2014 Blog Hop.

Completely making up which day goes with which NaPoWriMo poem

Working with the assumption that these are 25-27. Even though I'm pretty sure Ocean was actually 29 because I wrote it on the bus to get my passport application in and I think that was on the 29th.

Ocean

Salty air.

Waves.

A lighthouse.

White where a motor churned sky into sea,

Rainbow films above the white,

Darkening as sky returns to sky,

As white fades back to sea.

Happy

She is happy, they say.

They imitate a smile, a flap.

They do not know why.

Perhaps they do not care.

Perhaps they do not need to know.

The meaning is clear,

And that is enough.

Naming

Naming colors,

Naming color schemes,

Naming designs.

How?

It is abstract.

It is not of a thing,

It is not of an idea,

It is not of a meaning,

It is not of an emotion.

What can it be called?