Note For Anyone Writing About Me

Guide to Writing About Me

I am an Autistic person,not a person with autism. I am also not Aspergers. The diagnosis isn't even in the DSM anymore, and yes, I agree with the consolidation of all autistic spectrum stuff under one umbrella. I have other issues with the DSM.

I don't like Autism Speaks. I'm Disabled, not differently abled, and I am an Autistic activist. Self-advocate is true, but incomplete.

Citing My Posts

MLA: Zisk, Alyssa Hillary. "Post Title." Yes, That Too. Day Month Year of post. Web. Day Month Year of retrieval.

APA: Zisk, A. H. (Year Month Day of post.) Post Title. [Web log post]. Retrieved from

Saturday, July 13, 2013

I'm Jealous of You

I'm not sure what the trigger warning is for, but I triggered myself writing this.

I'm jealous of those of you whose parents know, are accommodating, and are letting you grow in your own time. I'm jealous of you who never hears "You're just lazy" when they ask for help with something that they Just. Can't. Do. I'm jealous of you, who will grow up knowing that you're different, how you're different, and that it's OK. I'm jealous of you who won't have to hide. I'm jealous of you who know all along that there is a reason, that you're not just broken or wrong or deficient, who know all along that people like you exist. I'm jealous because I couldn't have that. I'm jealous because no matter how hard I fight for all these things I wish people had understood, all these things I wish people had done, I will never be able to go back in time and have them myself. I'm jealous of you, children of the next generation whose parents know and accept the wonderful Autistic selves you are and will be. I'm jealous because, sure, it may not be the majority, but books that talk about who we are, what we are like, the lives we can live, how we're OK? Those exist. It's not just "this is how you deal with those people" anymore, if even that much. I'm jealous, because that didn't exist when I was growing up, and I needed that and I couldn't have it. So I'm jealous. The reason I fight so hard to make sure you get these things is the very same reason that I'm jealous: I needed it. I didn't have it. I don't want anyone else to go without it. It does no one any good to pretend I'm not jealous of those of you who will benefit, so here: I am jealous of you. I am, for even the scraps more than the scraps I had to work with. (The generation before me fought for my scraps, now I fight for yours. I suspect they're just as jealous of me as I am of you.)


  1. I feel this one so much, Alyssa. I feel the same jealousy of the queer kids coming up behind me and all they have that I didn't and how it would have changed so much for me. I am thrilled that they have it, I am proud I had my part in helping them to have it, but I still just wish it had been there for me. So, I feel what you are saying and not a day goes by that I don't channel my feelings about what things were like for me into my passion to make sure my autistic son does not experience what you write so poignantly above. thank you for all you do.

  2. I am so grateful that you have written this... and so moved as well. I wish I could go back in time and make things better - be part of the supports that would have felt that you were amazing EXACTLY HOW YOU WERE... and then support you from there. So I am sitting here in tears and sending you virtual hugs... and trying to write a meaningful response.

    I get it too (well not quite - because I know I cannot fully understand) as H's dad, Craig, who is also Autistic... has struggled with so much. I anticipate our son's life will still have many challenges - but his path is being made easier because of people like you! For this I thank you Alyssa, and too - I make a commitment that I will raise this young man to carry on your work as he follows in your footsteps. He may not be an activist like you... (or his mom), but I am determined that he will have the resiliency and pride and self-understanding to make his way and positively affect even a small corner of the world.

    Thank you for your eloquence, and thank you for your advocacy... you are making a difference now and for the future and you are appreciated.

    1. <3
      I want him to live in a world where he doesn't feel like he HAS to be an activist. I'm a writer and a teacher by nature, but I'd love to feel able to teach math and write poetry and stories that aren't activism. (Well, for my poetry and stories that reflect people like me being OK to just be seen as literature, not activism. I like writing autistic characters.)
      The kind of thing where I want it for him, and then I'm gonna be jealous, I suppose?

    2. Oh yes!! Alyssa, that is a wonderful goal...

      It would be spectacular if H can be an adult in a world and just be his authentic self... I hope it doesn't sound mean that I'd love it to be so amazing it makes you absolutely green (or any colour you choose) with jealously!

      Wouldn't that be a grand thing...

      But... still... I think I'd rather be(and am likely not be able to avoid) raising an activist. Even if it isn't around Autism... there will be some other human rights issues - and I expect(from what I already see)this kid of mine to have the values to make a positive difference.

      Hugs and appreciation for this wonderful vision of possibility <3


  3. I'm planning to become a Mom, and my hope is to give my child the kind of life that I'll feel jealous of.


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