Yes, That Too Acceptance. Love, and Self-care: #AutismPositivity2015

I have been writing less on my blog since... well, ever since I left for China at the end of August 2013. Spending an academic year at a university that really, really did not want me to be there was extremely draining, and I've already written a lot of things on this blog. I'm not really out of things to say, because there are always new ideas and new connections and new events, but I'm low on energy to say them here, so I am posting less often than I used to. (I used to post every day, sometimes multiple times a day, and that hasn't been the case since 2013.) 

That's OK, and deciding that it's OK is part of my accepting my limits and taking care of myself, which is this year's theme.

I've also been using some of what I write for academic purposes. I've done some short fiction, and this past year I was in a capstone engineering course that involved 50+ page reports at the end of each semester. That's a good bit of writing. I've also been working on a chapter for a book, which is currently at 30+ pages, and conference presentations, and I've been reading and taking notes for multiple projects. I've got papers and chapters to write, and will continue to, and if I want to be making a living, I'll need to be using my writing for places that help with that goal. 

In a very literal and physical sense, earning a living is required in the current system (and that's not an endorsement of the system, just an acknowledgement that to survive, I need to exist in it) so prioritizing placement of my writing in places where I get compensation is kind of self-care, in a physical and pragmatic way. 

Not so much choosing to write things that would be palatable to the mainstream. I don't do that so much, because writing things I disagree with to survive is survival but not self-care. Ensuring that I have the resources I need to live through placement is a different thing than getting resources by silencing myself or others, and only one of those am I talking about here.

And you want to know what else is self-care? Using my AAC device when I'm tired and find it easier to type than to speak, not just when speech is completely gone. That's self-care, and it's something I've been doing, with friends and at school. I'm glad I'm doing it. Pushing for normalcy for the sake of normalcy is kind of the opposite of self-care, and I've had enough of it.

Yes, That Too: Expressing PosAutivity MY way #AutismFlashblog2014

In class, a visiting professor asks if we are willing to introduce ourselves. I flap (of course I flap, this is me, flapping is what I do.) It's a happy flap. The professor, not knowing me, not knowing how my body language works and therefore interpreting my movements through the dominant ways, assumes I am upset, that I do not want to introduce myself, that there is some sort of problem.

That could have been a problem, but my classmates, my regular teachers, and I all know how to explain: I express posAutivity in my own Autistic way. We explained. It was actually relevant to the topic I'd wanted to bring up, how neurodiversity and cross-cultural communication totally relate, that we should be looking at cross-neurology communication in some of the same ways we look at cross-cultural communication because that's often what it is.

I'm waiting with classmates in a lobby, and the phone starts to ring. My hands go to my ears, and the blanket corner I was playing with goes to rest on my head. A friend notices, and suggests that we all wait outside instead. No, my communication is nothing like the neurotypical dominated standards, but they're clearly ones people can learn to understand if only they take the time to learn, to look at how I work instead of their ideas of how "people" work based in their own cultures.

When I allow myself to perseverate, when I dive right into my Autistic Obsessions, when I flap and rock and spend time with people who view my body language through the lens of how I work rather than their ideas of how people in general work, when I start typing just because it's easier instead of making myself keep making mouth-sounds until the mouth-sounds won't come any more, these are all expressing myself my way.

I am Autistic, and I am proud. I will express my pride in my Autistic ways. [Would it really be taking pride in my Autistic self if I were only willing to express it in neurotypical-passing ways, even when those ways were in opposition to my natural Autistic ways? I think not.]

FINALLY the last of NaPoWriMo

Here's the last of them.


Reflecting

What can I reflect on, 

What should I think about?

Do I think on impairment?

Do I think on a label now one year old?

Do I reflect on the fear I've been told I must feel?

On the things I've been told I can't do?

No.

I reflect on understanding what has changed and what has not.

I reflect on a world that can not comprehend "Autistic" as a word to claim.

I reflect on a world not made for me.

I reflect on how to remake the world to fit us, we who do not fit today.

Positivity

I am positive.

I am positive that this is ausome.

I am positive that I am tired. 

I am positive that this is worth the spoons it costs.

One day.

One day to remember the rainbows.

One day to reflect (and perhaps to refract) so I can create my own.

 

Echolalia Gets Me Pickles
 

Pickles and ice cream and olives
And pepperoni.
This is what echolalia gets me.
Not once have I been misunderstood.
I see no reason to change.
Not when echolalia gets me pickles.

Yes, That Too Celebrates 1000 Ausome Things #AutismPositivity2013

AutismPositivity is back!
I was pretty new to the blogging thing when it came around last time, but I did find out about it and write a thing. And some of the stuff I talked about then still fits now!
So in list format, cause I like lists, have ten of my Ausome things:

1. As long as speech is working and I know the topic, I can do some serious damage in a debate. Like there was that time that I showed up to a debate in my Honors communication class not having done any of the research, not having any evidence to cite, nothing. I won that debate. I did so by explaining why every piece of evidence my opponent brought actually supported my opinion. I am not even joking, this is a thing that happened. When I got the rubric back, my opponent had more evidence, better evidence, was better prepared, but I still won the debate. That's what the teacher's grading said.
2. Stimming is THE BEST THING EVER. It can just be made of awesome (ausome) or it can be a coping mechanism so I can manage even when everything else is made of bad. Either way, useful. Silky blankets are a really good example of this, since they can do both of these at the same time. Same goes for olives. The sensory processing differences that make certain sensations horrible are frustrating, but I wouldn't get rid of them if it meant losing the differences that let me stim. Sorry, no, stimming is too awesome (ausome.)
3. Special interest, Autistic Obsession, whatever you want to call it. It's a hug for my brain. So math spent a long time as a hug for my brain, and I was able to get really good at it, too. Like, I'm twenty and I've already got a bachelors in math, I'm a first semester masters student in that major now. (Still an undergrad in mechanical engineering and Chinese, my other two majors. I didn't quite break eCampus, I just have two records in it both connecting to one account and confusing my advisers.)
4. Pattern recognition! I find all the four leaf clovers, all the five leaf clovers, and some of the six leaf clovers. I also found a seven leaf and an eight leaf, but only one of each. It's quite awesome (ausome.) I actually think in patterns, but through language. If that makes sense? I don't know, it's how my brain works, which is kind of weird and kind of awesome (ausome.) Which finds me four leaf clovers, which is probably responsible for a good bit of my math ability, which is probably also relevant to my sewing ability. (I can't read a sewing pattern, but I can make clothes that fit me and look good.)
5. Pattern making! That's where Because Patterns came from, after all! (BTW, ONE LAST PLUG FOR THE GIVEAWAY. Today is the last day you can enter and vote on entries. It's on Facebook, it's for an artist proof of my Autism Acceptance design, entry requires liking Because Patterns on Facebook and answering what Autism Acceptance means to you. Yes, you can hang a proof up. It's like a print in almost every way- same size, still signed. Coloration could be a little different, it says proof where the number would be. That's it.) Anyways, have a pattern! Because patterns are one of many Ausome things about my autism, and they are a pretty cool looking one too. I think that this pattern would totally be modifiable to make an infinite tessellation, too, which is a thing I've been getting into making mode of. Those ones work for fabric, after all.
   
6. I can listen to the same song on repeat for weeks and not get sick of it. Talk about patience! Recently, it was Knights of Bostonia.That one started about a week before Patriot's Day, and I only switched to Amy MacDonald songs this past Saturday.
7. I can eat the same food for years and not get sick of it. No, really, I brought the same lunch to school from fifth grade through tenth grade every day except Passover and some field trips and it was fine. I took a bagel with lox (lots of lox, it was almost like a roast beef sandwich amount of lox I am not even joking,) an apple or two, and a big thermos of milk to school for lunch basically every day. The thermos was 16.9 oz, and my cross country coach was annoyed that I still drank milk on meet days instead of switching to water, but switching my diet would mess with me more than milk that I am used to having in my system possibly could. Also, this was the same coach who thought that you shouldn't drink too much right before the meet because then you would get cramps. Which can be caused by dehydration... Anyways, I can eat the same food for a long time and it's fine. Which is useful when on a budget, since buying in bulk is cheaper. It's also useful because it means I don't need to remember as many recipes.
8. My brain works really fast sometimes. That's what covered me for all my years of executive dysfunction, which is the same as all my years. Sure, I might not remember I had homework due first period until I was on the bus, but I could still get it done by then. I think my record was having something due in all five of my academic classes and drama (seven period day that day,) starting on the bus to school, and turning in everything on time. I can be that fast. I was close to that fast on a regular basis throughout middle and high school. I wrote a paper on 1984 in about 4 hours once, including the research for it. It's on my blog, somewhere, and it gets me hits from people looking for essays about 1984 every so often. 
9. My writing is proof of "You can totally write good poetry without much of any metaphor." Because I don't metaphor much, but people still like my poetry. I won't claim all of it is good, but certainly some of it is. One of my poem-ish things is actually published in the Loud Hands anthology, which I'd say is a sign of some sort of good. I'd say making (one of many) proofs of this concept is pretty awesome (ausome.)
10. I'm immune to culture shock. See, so far as I can tell, culture shock is "Everyone is doing stuff that doesn't make sense!" combined with "I feel like a foreigner!" and possibly a dose of homesick. I'm not sure why I don't really get homesick, but when the first two things are just a part of every day life, they can't really cause a shock. So I get to China, or I get to India. Sure, people are doing a different set of things that don't make sense, but it's not like it makes less sense or anything. I just need to learn this set of rules. It's nothing special, nothing particularly scary, nothing shocking. So I am immune so culture shock, and autism totally gets the credit for that. It's pretty awesome (ausome.)

1000 Ausome Things #AutismPositivity2013 Flashblog Announcement

This is tomorrow. Just saying.

We know you have been waiting… and we have been working and organizing behind the scenes. Now we are ready and we are excited to announce the theme for the second annual Autism Positivity Flashblog Event on April 30th, 2013: “1000 Ausome Things #AutismPositivity2013″
Last year hundreds of bloggers came together in a show of support and solidarity in response to an anonymous person’s Google search “I wish I didn’t have Aspergers”. The posts that came flooding in from all over the world were a beautiful example of the power of strength in numbers. With so much negativity still surrounding Autism and the misinformation and misconceptions that continue to abound, we invite each of you to share one, or two, or more “Ausome” things!
We invite all of you, anyone who is Autistic, anyone who has an Autistic person in their life and all who blog about autism to share a message of support, wisdom, hope, and pride to this year’s flashblog by posting to https://docs.google.com/spreadsheet/viewform?formkey=dDdPQjAxV244VjdCcXdYX0pPQ0RBblE6MQ
Please join with us on the last day of Autism Acceptance Month – April 30th, 2013 – in a Flash Blog of Autism Positivity.
To participate:
1. Publish your post on April 30th in the following title format: “ [Your Blog] celebrates 1000 Ausome Things #AutismPositivity2013″
2. Share your post on Twitter, Facebook, and any other social media site using that hashtag (#AutismPositivity2013)
3. Add your link to the Autism Positivity website and grab the badge.(submit here or above)

4. Share/reblog this message to your blog, page, etc.
Thank you,
The Autism Positivity Project Flashblog Team, 2013
If you have any questions, please contact us at autismpositivity@gmail.com
Please also support this project on facebook, pinterest, tumblr, and twitter! AUSOME!!

Ableism is to blame

Trigger warning: murder, lots and lots of ableism.

I saw a girl post an apology for the fact that she has autism, that she will never be what her parents want her to be. I responded to her with the usual message of it's ok, it really is, autism isn't the end of the world. That was for her. This is for me.

This is why things like the AutismPositivity flash blogs are needed, this is why things like Loud Hands are needed,  this is why Autreat and Don't Mourn For Us and Autism Acceptance Month are needed. A teenager was diagnosed as autistic at age thirteen. Her parents didn't tell her for two years. And when she found out? The picture she had of autism made her not want to accept her own neurology. She believed that autistic people were straight up freaks, and that as she was not a freak, she could not really be autistic. When she came to terms with the fact that she really is, in fact, autistic, her reaction was to try to make herself normal. She tried to beat her own brain, to make herself be like the rest of her family, and she couldn't do it. Of course she couldn't, and people were wrong to ever send the messages that led her to try. A brain that is wired differently leads to being different. It's not that complicated, but people are obsessed with normalization. Whatever lip service we may pay to diversity, we do not really want it, and it hurts to look at that fact. It hurts even more when you are outside the range of acceptable diversity, as I am, as she is, as every Autistic person and person with autism is. 

And it has devastating effects, far worse than the actual impairments of autism. No impairment is the reason that we are called freaks. No impairment is the reason that we are bullied (no, flapping our hands is not an impairment, nor is it anything more than a convenient excuse, a difference that does not impair anything.) No impairment is the reason we are told that we have no human dignity. No impairment is the reason doctors still tell us to consider alternatives after establishing that the only alternative is death. No impairment is the reason that she was ostracized from her own family. Their reactions to it, society's reactions to our impairments and our simple differences, are the reasons for these things. Ableism is to blame. Ableism is to blame for the high rates of depression that we face, likely for her specific depression. Ableism is to blame for our high rates of PTSD. Ableism is to blame for people considering it acceptable to murder us, and to give the sympathy to our murderers, not to us. Ableism is to blame for the fact that when the same people used the same techniques to try to cure autism and queerness, these methods (slightly modified, but the cited study is often that old one with electric shocks) are still seen as the gold standard of our education while their monstrosity has been (mostly) recognized in their use against Queer people. Ableism is to blame for so much, including the numbers of us who think these things are not the fault of systematic oppression but rather a reasonable result of our disability.

Autism has no cure.

To me, this is a relief, because I know what would happen if there were one. To others, this is a horrifying thought, the realization that they will be like this until they die. I understand that the are people who, even in the absence of ableism, might still wish not to be autistic (Just for themselves, no, this does not mean you can decide this for anyone else ever.) I can even fathom some of the reasoning they might have. But the vast majority? Ableism is to blame for the ones who want to be cured because their family rejects them, because society rejects them, because they are seen as freaks, because they have been told that autism will prevent them from reaching their goals even when their goals and their actual impairments have no relation. When I see people blame these things on autism, I want to scream, and when autistic people accept these notions, I want to weep.

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Yes, That Too to ‘I Wish I Didn’t Have Aspergers: #AutismPositivity2012”

Yes, sometimes being autistic stinks. Sensory issues, not getting jokes or sarcasm, having people assume you have an attitude because YOU HAD NO CLUE they were joking/teasing/being sarcastic/asking a rhetorical question. Those parts are a pain. But:
That hand flapping? It's a whole other language for people who understand it, and it usually means OH MY GOD I AM SO HAPPY!!!! Because Autistic and happy are not mutually exclusive. Aspergers specifically and happy are also not mutually exclusive.
When I finally do get to an actual logic-based debate, I can do some serious damage. Like, I didn't do my research at all, I have no evidence, but my opponent just dropped a piece of evidence that actually supports what I want to say if you look at the logic and the science of the matter. And that one mistake will let me win the whole debate anyways. That happened. In college. In an honors class.
And autism is not mutually exclusive with going to college. I don't really do the party thing because I'm just not that interested, but I have had a roommate the whole time, lived on campus, and it's been fine. My professors like me. Even the roommate I was a bad match with is a friend- we just shouldn't room together. The issue there wasn't even an autism problem. It was a ``I go to sleep at 8pm. You go to sleep at 2am. That no workity," problem. I have three majors. College is AWESOME.
And those three majors let me smunch together my ``autistic obsessions." (Life is much, much happier if you admit to having them, decide it's totally fine, and then have fun with said obsessions. It really is. MUAHAHAHAHAHA math. Also MUAHAHAHAHAHA purple. And sewing. And geometric designs. And nanotech.)
I can't speak for you (no one can but you, no matter what anyone says about them speaking for you,) but I know that I personally prefer to stay autistic. This preference is legitimately to the point where if the person offering the cure decided to force the issue, I would probably go into ``I am fighting to kill" mode before letting the them do so. I'd go for the peaceful stuff first, but if it comes down to it, I am staying autistic. Period.

P.S. I totally was not always this cool with being autistic. Mainly when I was still young enough that special ed people could have been abusive if they found out, and gotten away with it by calling it therapy. I was actually the first person to put the pieces together that I was autistic, and I hid it for the longest time. It was seven years from when I figured it out until the second person, a fellow autistic who apparently has autism-dar (like radar) or something, figured what was going on. After that, it was another year until anyone with authority started getting suspicious. By that point, I was a junior in high school who had already gotten a 5 on the AP test for BC Calculus, so it wasn't as if anyone was going to get anywhere trying to use the ``autistic=incompetent" fail. And even though I really did know, it wasn't until very recently that I fully accepted the fact that yes, I am autistic. Not having been diagnosed also meant that no one called it wandering when I went out for walks on my own. Because I did spend a weekend in Beijing entirely alone about a month before I turned seventeen. It was AWESOME, at least in retrospect.