It's kinda funny

So, a few weeks ago I met with two folks from a company that's making a computer game or a video game related to autism and social skills. I agreed to meet with them for a couple reasons:

• The one I'd met before, I met at a hack-a-thon like event (un-hack-a-thon?) that was autism focused and had many autistic participants, mostly teenagers, and which used Nick Walker's description of autism as a starting point. Starting from a neurodiversity paradigm description of autism is nice, and not something I see much of for technology and autism stuff.
  
• The one I'd met also liked the "Autistic Party Giraffe" shirt I was wearing. I find that people's opinions on that shirt are somewhat useful information: folks who comment on liking it are generally able to handle the idea that Autistic identity is a thing without too much worldview conflict.
  
• They clearly didn't quite know what "supporting autistic people in finding social methods that work for us" would really mean, but the couple ideas I'd thrown out at Chatter went over well. Things like, if we can get more done by not trying to pass for neurotypical, why the heck is passing for neurotypical considered an optimal outcome? (See Dani's "On Functioning and 'Functioning'," yet again.) 

So, I did the thing. It was exhausting. We met at a coffee place between my campus and the train station on a Friday morning, and we talked for about two hours. They said at the time that what I was saying made sense, and that it changed their perspectives, and now they needed to figure out how to navigate the tangled mess of doing something actually helpful with their game while also getting the needed funding to make the darn game.

One incident that sticks out for me was the demo video of the game. They brought a laptop, and there was a minute or two of gameplay video that I watched. When it first started, there was a big face and eyes right at me. I flinched. Unexpected face in my face! Then there were points where a player was supposed to recognize the emotion that this being was expressing. The emotions were clearly overacted, both in terms of facial expressions and tone of voice. This was supposed to be some sort of "easy" mode, I guess? Whatever. I could tell it was overacted. That didn't mean I could always tell what emotion was being overacted. (Yeah, I got some "wrong.") 

Judging by their reactions to my reactions (how meta theory of mind can we go here?), it seems I served as an object lesson there:

• Identifying that an emotion is being expressed is not the same as identifying what that emotion is.
  
• Managing OK in real-life social situations is apparently not the same as recognizing overacted emotions in artificial settings.
  
• Some autistic people will absolutely flinch from unexpected eye contact. Ow.

It's a thing that happened. I was super tired after. 

Flagship Orientation Reactions

So I just found the notes I took during Orientation in Washington DC for my Chinese study abroad program that I'm on now. Heads up that a lot of it is me being right on the edge of meltdown because a lot of the things they were suggesting as methods were things where, um, if I could do the thing up to neurotypical standards I'd not have been getting into trouble because of “poor social skills” as a kid ever. Which is a thing that happened. When it wasn't that, it tended to be things like me not even getting into the conversation enough to show off my funky social skills because of same social issues.

So there were a lot of “if I could do that, we wouldn't be having this problem” kind of reactions, and there were a lot of “well, that's not going to be accessible to me...” kind of reactions.

By the time I was typing the bottom stuff, I was actually visibly crying. I know this because our Residence Director asked if I needed to leave and if I wanted to talk and then when I followed her outside she handed me a tissue. And I was also incapable of speaking. English, anyways. If the cause of my losing speech happens in a completely English-speaking environment and it's because of a thing that was languaged at me, I can apparently still speak Chinese fine. Unfortunately, those requirements tend to mean the ability to speak Chinese doesn't help much, but in this case it was a useful skill to retain.

Anyways, here's the notes. And it turned out putting things on walls is not allowed, and so I am sad.

Yeah looks like a lot of this is going to be “how do you need to change the expectations so I can function as an Autistic adult.”

phone on? Selective mutism. TEXT ME.

Inappropriate offensive or risky behavior- OK, this is super-vague and therefore scary because inappropriate is the word that people like to use for freaking HAND-FLAPPING. And because “offensive” goes right next to “inappropriate” as words that are used as the key words behind “Don't be Autistic.” I need a real description.

Ok, “communicate with people so that unintentional rudeness is less of a thing” is decent advice. Vague and all, but it's a good thing to do. [Though, um, unintentional is kind of a key word here, in that it's an accident by definition? Hi words. But I get the meaning, and it's a good goal.]

Example LUR is totally cognitively inaccessible to me, I understand wanting to know how I'm using the language but asking me to answer that sort of question set is going to take up all the energy I have and mess with my ability to do the actual work because those questions mostly give me “What is this even asking for?” reactions. The rest give me “My brain has just gone completely blank” reactions, which isn't much better.

[Oh god oh god are they going to expect that I can make small talk in Chinese? Nooooo I can't even do that properly in English. Culture references? HELP I CAN'T CULTURE REFERENCE.]

Mid-program and end-of-program OPI are going to be the real-people ones, not the computer ones, right? [Also, I'm going to need to take it in a space large enough for me to pace, on a speaker phone.]

Reactions to foreigner speaking Chinese. We want to get past “honored foreigner” and be a friend, classmate, etc.

OK, proper decorum is likely to get me into even more trouble in China than I do here. “American's are more tolerant of idiosyncrasy” means “I'm DOOMED” considering that I'm too far out there for freaking America.

“Certain things” and what you do and don't express gratitude for. So what's the thing? Same with apology. Specifics please? OK also body language. UH-OH. “Was it sincere or not?” NO. INSERT INTERNAL CURSING HERE. BAD. “elementary you're supposed to know these things already”? NO TRY BODY LANGUAGE IS EVIL AND HORRIBLE THAT'S NOT A THING I CAN DO INTENTIONALLY. I'M NOT GOING TO HAVE THE ABILITY TO MAKE IT THROUGH THE DAY IF I SPEND MY ENERGY ON THAT.

I can take notes at least a little bit typing [Yeah you can tell because these are notes] but I can't do it by handwriting really at all.

WOOT words. I like knowing more words. [Wait, people don't usually have words as their big things through the intermediate language level?]

Talking about how each discourse has its rules and which words you use and you stay in that discourse frame. I mean, I'm actually writing for academia about how calls for submissions that claim to be including people outside of academia need to be written in ways that laypeople can understand, which is relevant to that question. [And part of my thing is that dagnabbit my chapter will be accessible.]

Ooh double standards! Professors may toss in a random English word and that's OK but we foreigners aren't supposed to. I can kind of understand it though. It's kind of like if English is your first language you can get away with a lot more messing with syntax than a student of English can.

Yay for taking charge. If I get to be taking charge than I can maybe drag people along the lines I can actually use.

Oh god “didn't communicate the right set of emotions.” Yeah this is actually really triggery.

NOOOOOOO. BAD. Key to executive function? Oh wait that's one of my big issues. Well, at least Kassiane's Autistifying Habitats thing can help me as long as I'm allowed to put stuff on walls. Otherwise... I might be about to be sad.

The small c cultural elements in stuff are important. Even proficient non-native speakers can interpret stuff differently from native speakers because of that.

Ah crud they national security thing does a “putting the pieces together” graphic. Yeah this isn't a day filled with autism-ick images and words coming back in other contexts at allllll /sarcasm

Going Home and Crashing

I got asked a question, I got asked a question! (Picture me doing a little dance and singing that. I'm a tenor second, long brown hair in a braid, brown eyes, glasses, roundish face, if you feel like being accurate in your picturing.)
No, really, I like answering honest questions.
Anyways, from Traci in the comments on Functioning Labels:

Honest question - what is it about coping with social situations that makes you go home and shut down. Is it an emotional reaction to feeling that you might make mistakes and be judged because of it, is it simply exhausting to have to try to function in such a challenging environment, is it a cultural message that if you cannot function adequately (I have no definition for adequate) in that kind of setting that discourages and defeats your ego. Several people in my family are introverts who react similarly whereas I am an extrovert and I probably don't really do the whole social cues thing that much better than they do but it doesn't leave me feeling distressed to the same degree. I am trying to understand and learn more about autism.

So.
Hi Traci!
Um.
I'm pretty sure all of those things are part of it to varying amounts, and I think that "interacting with people takes energy, regardless of environment or desire" needs to be part of it. I am introverted, I think. Not all autistic people are, but I think I am.
Point by point, each piece and how I think it is relevant.

• An emotional reaction to feeling that (I) might make mistakes and be judged because of it.
  Well, more knowing that I will. Because I will. Judgement varies, my friends tend not to care, some family members do, some don't. Strangers I usually have no cares to give as to what their judgement is because social interaction is tiring. Since this is a crowded gathering, I assume there is at least one person there whose opinion I care about. If not, I just wouldn't go, because these are exhausting. I think this one only comes into play with the kinds of gatherings where I am expected to fake neurotypical, since I'm actually pretty good at Autistic-style social interaction. Among other things, we count "parallel play" as totally being socialization. I'm not sure why you neurotypicals disagree. (Jokingly threatens behavioral therapy to make you get it. But I wouldn't actually do that because it's not ethical at all.)
• Simple exhaustion from trying to function in such a challenging environment.ALL THE YES. No, really. This is huge. At the noisy, crowded gathering that I mentioned, I can tell you 100% that I am experiencing sensory overload. After presenting at a conference recently (Debilitating Queerness, specifically,) there was a dinner at the home of an organizer that was open to presenters. I went. I had a good time, mostly, but that place was loud, and it was crowded, and everywhere was people, and I have trouble focusing in on one conversation and tuning out the others, and I was already tired. I... actually crashed at the party. Like, a complete crash, fell asleep there and everything, and it took my friend about 10 minutes to wake me up so I could leave. It was that exhausting. Other things I need to worry about at parties include finding food that I can eat and something that I can drink. Sensory issues can make that harder too, since I can't drink anything carbonated, scrambled eggs are a texture issue, and anything minty is a nightmare. (Oh, and did you know that people like to have minty breath at parties? AAUUUGGGHHH) Seriously, this is an environment that would exhaust me even without having to handle social interaction.
• My addition: Interacting with people takes energy, regardless of environment or desire.It takes less energy to interact in an Autistic fashion than to try to interact in a neurotypical fashion (I can use gchat, Facebook chat, Tumblr, and similar things with much less energy expended than I can for going to a party. Talking to one person face-to-face is somewhere in the middle, phones harder than face-to-face but not as hard as a party, generally. Though if it's an Autistic party, the party is going to be easier than the phone. But regardless of exactly how I am interacting, the energy needed is not zero. Use too much energy, and when I get to a place that it is safe to crash, I will. Use up too much beyond that point, and I may just crash wherever I am. 
• A cultural message that I can't function adequately in that kind of situation that discourages and defeats my ego.That message it out there, but I grew up with the people around me generally not knowing that I'm autistic, so I didn't get all that much of that message. I get it online more than anywhere else, and it tends to send me into angry tell everyone why they are wrong and exactly how they are hurting people mode. Which is a tiring mode to be in so I shut down afterwards, but it's not the message itself directly shitting me down. The message I got tended to be that I was able to do it and that everyone knew I was able to do it (only half-true. I can do it for a limited amount of time and then crash,) so I was just being bad when I crashed. Or people were just confused. It depended on who I was with. But the message I got was more that I was bad because I didn't care enough to do it than that I was broken because I couldn't. Neither is true, of course. I can for limited amounts of time, then I'm done, and that's OK. 

In order of smallest effect to greatest effect for the crowded, noisy gathering that I referenced in the functioning labels post, I think that it would be the cultural message, then the fear that I will be judged, then the fact that interaction is tiring, with the environment as the biggest thing. Dealing with my teachers, the cultural message is still smallest, but the environment is almost as small, and then interaction being tiring is a thing. The fear of messing up and being judged is the biggest one there, since teachers actually have the ability to mess things up for me and some have tried (not recently, but that's not the kind of thing you forget.) Hanging out with a few close friends, the interactions being tiring one is basically all that is in effect, which is why I last much longer with them than I do in basically any other social situation. It helps that they know I'm autistic and don't much care how autistic I act. When I told them I had finally gotten an official diagnosis, some of my good (high school) friends reacted with surprise... at the fact that I hadn't had one before. It wasn't a big deal to them because they liked me for the person I am, and I am autistic.

More Upset, More Targeted, Both?

Trigger warning: r-slur (censored), bullying

ThAutcast does seem to give me a decent bit of post fodder, which is cool. ThAutcast also links to me on occasion, so I guess we kind of interact. This time, the status that got me thinking is about bullying.

Why might someone on the spectrum be more upset by bullying then a non autistic peer?

There are many, many reasons that an Autistic victim of bullying could be or appear more upset by any given bullying incident. It's not exactly news that our body language can be hard for neurotypicals to read, and we could appear more or less upset than we really are. We could be already overloaded by the time the bullying happens, and so it could be the final straw for a major meltdown. It could be that we don't understand why we were targeted.

Or... maybe we seem more upset because we're reacting to more bullying and less support.

Maybe we're the favorite target, and that means we have more incidents of bullying to deal with. Maybe it's more often. Maybe it's more severe. Maybe the bullies are getting bolder and bolder as our teachers turn a blind eye. Maybe we're taking the bullies at their word when our neurotypical peers can detect what is exaggeration and what needs to be taken seriously. I know that all happened to me. 

I know that when I was in third grade, I was called a r***** on a weekly basis at least, sometimes more. I know that I was chased around the playground by people who insisted that they were going to take me captive and blow me up with a bomb. I believed them. But the teachers thought it was a game, and nothing was done. My terror was thought to be faked, I suppose? Or maybe they couldn't read my body language. There was a slanted ceiling in the classroom where I had language arts. I hit my head on it every day. (I might be dyspraxic on top of Autistic. Just saying.) My classmates made fun of me for it. My teachers made fun of me for it. They could have changed my seat to one of the ones where I couldn't hit my head. They didn't. 

Some of my friends have heard the story of the worst day with that. I... I lied a bit on it. The final book didn't fall off the bookshelf from my knocking the bookshelf. After watching me bump and crash into things and hit my head on the ceiling every day, there was one day when I crashed into more things than usual. Head to the ceiling, then elbow to the table as I knelt to get my books, back and head to the bottom of my chair, back to the bookshelf, elbow to the bookshelf. And then my teacher hit me (gently, but still) over the head with a book, while I was still on the ground, wincing from all the others. Yes, I hit my head on the ceiling again when I stood up a second time. He laughed. When I got back to the main class, I told my main teacher. She laughed too, just as she had all the times my own clumsiness had been the final cause. (Yes, this was a different classroom that about ten of us were in, which was about a third of the grade.)

I've since been told that it was an "advanced" class that I was in, but I don't know that my classmates knew that the people getting pulled out were supposed to be more advanced. They might have? It didn't stop them calling me r*****, either way. The fact that I got 100% on all my spelling tests for the first almost half the year didn't stop them either. The time that I was math challenge champion by default, when I was the only one who got it right? That didn't stop them either.

Nor did my teachers stop them.

Even when they started stepping on my feet, my teachers didn't do anything. Nothing. When I stepped on their feet back, finally, on the last day of school, I was the one who was spoken too. Not them, me. 

Or they imitated my jumping and flapping as they called me r*****, or they imitated the way that my hiccups made me jump, insisting all the while that it was on purpose. It wasn't. My hiccups still make me jump, and I've got about twice the mass now that I did then. 

Maybe we actually do get more upset, I could believe it. But maybe, just maybe, we're taking more bullying and having more people as sources of bullying (remember, the teachers are doing it too and turning a blind eye to the students!) If there is more bullying to react to, there can be more upset without it being more per amount of bullying. 

Anxiety

More thAutcast questions. This one can be found here, and it reads:

Anxiety can make learning difficult for many autistic people. Tell about a time when you had a difficult time learning something because you were worried or nervous. You might include what made you anxious and how the anxiety affected you.

Anxiety has mostly been a problem with social stuff, for me.
Academically, my parents have always believed that I am capable, and the ways in which teachers occasionally disagreed were sufficiently ridiculous that I could ignore and laugh at them. (Sorry, I'm not going to listen to a complaint about my "not understanding" my math homework when I didn't do it because I was reading a calculus text. No, wait, I'm not sorry. At all.)
Since it was always assumed that I could, in fact, learn the academic stuff, that was never an anxiety source. It helped, of course, that I always could learn my academic stuff well enough that I didn't get into too much trouble about it. The whole states and capitals thing was the only time I ever couldn't, and I'm not actually sure how they didn't make a big deal out of it? I dunno. They didn't, though.
Socially, though, it has been a mess.
In fifth grade, a girl attached herself to me, and it was actually a problem. The special education department helped her do so, since she apparently behaved herself better around me. Unfortunately, she was also all kinds of manipulative and abusive and it was bad.
In sixth grade, I took avoiding her into my own hands.
First, I sat at the peanut free table.
She started bringing peanut free lunches.
So I listened to what she said.
She was terrified of boys.
I wasn't.
I was just terrified of people in general.
Boys were actually slightly better- they at least made sense to me.
I sat at a table where I was the only girl.
I ate in silence for a month because of social anxiety.
Yes, a month.
Eventually I started talking to them.
They wound up being my friends all through middle and high school.
One of them is at the same university of me, doing mechanical engineering. We have a lot of classes together, and we both fence. It's actually pretty cool.
Others I am still friends with too, mostly.
About half of us are studying some form of engineering.
Eventually, I did become friends with them, all of them, and I still am. But it took a month sitting there in silence before I could work up the nerve to speak.
That's anxiety for you.

Teaching us to be Silent.

Trigger Warning: Abuse

They teach us how to ask nicely, but not when it's time to demand.

They teach us how to engage, but not how, when, or why to disengage.

They teach us how they wished social interaction worked, but not how it really does.

They teach us how to accept, but not to decline.

They teach us how not to offend, but not when we need to offend.

They teach us how to act the same, but not that we shouldn't need to.

They teach us how to fit in, but not how to stand apart.

They teach us to be kind, but not how to respond when others aren't.

They teach us to accept, but not when to reject.

They teach us the rules, but not when to break them.

That's how they teach us to be silent. That's how they teach us to accept whatever abuse they may give. That's how we learn we are broken and wrong, because we are expected to engage all the time, more than even they are, and we simply can not do it.

That's what's wrong with our therapy; that's what's wrong with social skills training.

They are not teaching us the way people really act, but how to be invisible. 

That's not to say that all social skills classes have to be bad. It's a great idea when done right. It's just that almost no one does it right. Teach us when to swear. Teach us what white lies are for and when to use them. Teach us about euphemisms. Teach us how to politely decline invitations. Teach us how to say no. Teach us when to demand, and how to ask questions that aren't really questions. If you're going to do it to us, teach us how to do it back, and teach us to know when you are doing it. 

But they don't really want to do that. They want us to be easy to handle, easy to manage. If we can not be normal, they want us to be invisible. They teach us to be silent, turning a wonderful idea for helping us navigate the world into a tool to help them manage us.