Having Bad Days

For some reason, I have trouble with the concept that I am allowed to have bad days, that I am allowed to mess up, that I'm allowed, essentially, to be human. It's a problem. Neurodivergent K talks about it too, and yes, I did, in fact, manage to internalize this really toxic message while still being passed off as "just" gifted.

With my getting sick this weekend, I'm seeing (at least for the moment) just how illogical and potentially bad this is. Warning for potentially TMI discussions of sickness beyond this point.

Some Updates

I've been keeping up with the poems for National Poetry Writing Month, but for a variety of reasons not all of them are going to make it to the blog, at least not immediately.

Some of the ones about communication (plus some about communication that are already here) are being tentatively saved for... some sort of longer writing piece or series of them about communication and how it interacts with a lot of stuff for me.

Some of the ones about neurodivergence are being tentatively saved for submission to places like Barking Sycamores. A lot of literary places ask that pieces be either previously unpublished or, if posted on a blog, temporarily not on the blog for some period of time after they post it, so I'm waiting while I figure out which ones will go there.

Some of them were handwritten and aren't actually typed yet.

I found out that a friend of mine is doing a fieldwork project in his disability studies program that I really, really want to cite once it's done.

I got sick. (Sniffle, cough, whine.) It made me miss a tournament (more whining.)

I'm presenting at my university's graduate conference about disability and engineering stuff next weekend and need to write my paper for it. I can totally do this- I just need to sit down and do it. While I could wing this talk, I don't think I should.

I got nominated for a Diversity Award at my university and found out that I'm getting it, which is also cool. The stuff that the head of the multicultural center seemed to be focused on (how I'm "changing the culture in the math department") isn't what I'm really focused on, so I wasn't sure. The reason I'm not as focused on the math department is that while I'm sure there are changes in the department culture happening because of me... I don't feel like I'm having to do that much of the legwork for those changes. I'm fairly sure that I'm the first AAC user, full or part time, that most of the department has interacted with, but people have handled it great. They wait for me to type what I need to type, keep quiet while the iPad talks, read what I wrote when I'm doing it with handwriting, all that good stuff.

No one took issue with the fact that I'd start typing sometimes while they were still talking (since I don't have speak as I type on, I'd consider this equivalent to thinking about an oral response while they're still speaking, approximately.) Which the state director for Best Buddies did take issue with. (I don't actually like Best Buddies, even a little, and am a touch embarrassed to admit my affiliation because my experience has been so... helpy helpers who help and don't trust people with disabilities to know what we need, but I have been with my school's chapter a bit this year trying to get it so that a college student with an intellectual or developmental disability can register as a college buddy without having to lie about their disability status. I plan to leave as soon as this is fixed, though. )

Flash

Now that they (don't) have our attention,
Fight, flight, freeze has the reins.
Thump, thump, thump goes my heart.
Couldn't they have just punched me in the face?

But no.
Punching is known to be violent.
Strobes?
Apparently not.

Computer games, commercials, supposedly provide them.
Warnings, warnings, warnings.
Even when they don't flash.
Can I get a notice before you actually strobe?




(Sooo one of the capstone groups thought strobe lights were a great way to get our attention before their presentation. And, in fact, it takes my heart rate longer to get back to baseline from that than from actually getting hit in the face. Not having epilepsy, my reaction is comparatively mild- strobes are not at risk of killing me- but seriously people need to not use strobes in class presentations, especially without warning. What if there was a classmate who did have epilepsy instead of "just" sensory processing issues?)

Be Brave (Revolution)

Say what you wanna say and let the words fall out.
They say war is necessary,
But we say war is child abuse.
Find the new ways that we must be king,
Instead of leading the young to our suffering.
I wanna see you be brave.

Sign what you wanna sign and let the words fall out.
Don't let them pretend they're saving you!
Don't bend, don't break, baby, don't back down.
There's no one here to save.
I wanna see you be brave.

Write what you wanna write and let the words fall out.
Start a revolution at the break of day.
So we're calling all the crows, they're coming in slow
It's gonna be a showdown, said the rebel to the revolutionary follow me,
We tell the court, you tell the king,
That we ain't listening to you no more!
I wanna see you be brave.

Type what you wanna type and let the words fall out.
You could cut ties with all the lies you've been living in.
It's time to try defying gravity.
Unlimited, together we're unlimited
As someone told me lately,
Everyone deserves the chance to fly.
I wanna see you be brave.



Another echolalic poem. Lyrics (sometimes slightly modified) from:
Brave- Sara Bareilles
People of the Sun- PONS
King of Anything- Sara Bareilles
White Flag Warrior- Flobots
It's My Life-Bon Jovi
Jumper- Third Eye Blind
Calling all Crows- State Radio
Knights of Bostonia- State Radio

On #WAAD I...

Check the calendar.
It's really today.
Can it not? Can we not?
Please.
One year, one day, someday.
But no. Blue is here.

I sigh, and don my armor orange.
April 2 is still a Thursday, still a long day.
Flap my way to class,
Rock in my chair,
Look a foot to my teacher's left.
No hiding today of all days.
No letting people think autism is only children.

In class, we are asked of stresses and strains.
(I'm an engineering student, and a math student.)
I flap for words.
I speak.
I flap for words.
Fewer words come.
I flap for words-No words.
They're gone.
I flap for words-No words.
Dare I type instead?

Don my armor orange.
No hiding today of all days.
Out the iPad comes, to speak.
Autism doesn't speak unless autistic people are speaking.