Isn't it time to leave your comfort zone?

I get asked this... sometimes. Most recently, I got asked this when I said I planned to stay in the same housing I'd had for undergrad through my doctoral program, since I'll be staying at the same university for it. (My housing is technically program-specific undergraduate housing. The person in charge of the house has said she does not care that I'm not an undergraduate anymore.)

And yes, it is time to leave my comfort zone! I'm moving from mathematics, which has been a bit of a home to me since ever, and mechanical engineering, which I studied as an undergraduate, to neuroscience, with major professors who are both biomedical engineers. That's a departure from my comfort zone. I'm walking a bit into the lion's den to be on a project designing technology for autistic people, likely working with parents and autism professionals in addition to my major professors. (I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to talk to parents and professionals, actually, since, as per usual, folks are thinking about children and since I'm apparently the autism expert on the team in addition to the technology and neuroscience know-how I'll be picking up during my studies.) That's an even bigger departure from my comfort zone.

My living arrangements are not the way it's time to leave my comfort zone. There's a few reasons for that.

Reason the first: Too many things changing at once is really hard for me! If I'd gotten into, say, MIT or Berkeley or some of the other schools I applied to, I'd have had to change my living arrangements in order to attend those schools. Since it would have been necessary, I'd have done it, but since it's not necessary, change for the sake of change and leaving my comfort zone is not going to be happening. I stick to changes that have good reasons, because change is hard.

Reason the second: My needs in terms of daily living might not be particularly complicated, but if they are not being met, bad things happen. I need easy access to food without needing to think much about how I'm getting said food or what I'm eating. That means I need a meal plan. My current housing comes with a meal plan, which is good. I also need to be able to avoid loud, bright places full of people. The main dining halls are definitely loud, bright places full of people, and we're not allowed to take our food out of the dining hall. Like many others, I know how to smuggle food out of the dining hall anyways, but when I am overloaded enough that I need to take my food out, the extra steps involved in doing so are going to be a problem. That means I should really be on a meal plan where I can take my food out of the dining hall. My current housing's meal plan allows this! So my current housing meets those needs, and finding other ways to meet those needs is effort that I don't need to make right now.

Reason the third: I don't drive. I passed my road test recently, so I legally can drive, but over in reality-land I don't drive. Driving tends to knock out my ability to speak, often for an hour or two after I'm done driving. (Even though I have no issues with going to class, work, or practice while non-speaking, I won't intentionally do things that make me lose speech for class, work, or practice.) Given that public transportation around the university is extant but not great, that means I should be living on campus. 

In combination, these reasons mean I should stay put. It's tricky to find housing on campus as a graduate student, and the on campus options for graduate students don't come with meal plans at all. It's possible to buy individual meals at the main dining hall (or at my current housing, though we don't get to take food out when we're buying individual meals as non-residents.) However, having that as "one more option" as opposed to "the default I don't need to think about" won't increase the probability of my eating meals. 

So yes, I should leave my comfort zone sometimes. I should also think carefully and critically about when, where, and how I leave my comfort zone. I want to take care of myself, and not just so I have a reasonable chance of completing my doctorate!

A Letter of Interruption

We (I) interrupt talking about the awesomeness that is 李金生 (Li Jinsheng) for me to get some words out that I'd like to have said to my academic director, but that I know it would be a bad idea to actually send her. (So um if you read my blog, cause I think you have the link thanks to the transcript of my presentation linking to another post here, remember that I did know better than to actually send you these words and that no one here actually knows who you are. Haven't told them your name or anything, not even pinyin.)

Anyways.

Hi,
You may have figured out at lunch today that the whole "sit in on one class, take one class" ending with my doing the finals for both was totally planned. At the least, you weren't happy that I was laughing about it. And yes, it was planned. I don't know how to fake a melt down, and I wouldn't try anyways, and I can't come up with deception during a melt down or anything- at the moment I suggested it, I was suggesting it for real as an act of desperation that I can't lose out on a thing I can do based on a thing I can't do yet again (this happened a lot in middle school and early high school, but by the end of high school I figured out what the weak points were so that my guidance counselors couldn't really pull that anymore.) But once I was calmed down the idea of taking both finals anyways occurred to me pretty fast and I decided to just go with it, and that telling you so would just be asking for trouble.

This is absolutely about that.
You said today that I shouldn't be laughing, because while there were gains (the reason I ignored you and did my two classes and the finals for both) there were also losses (true of every choice ever, yawn, give me news please.) I know full well what you think the losses were. You think the loss was to my grades in Chinese. You're wrong, and the fact that you still think my taking two major classes was the problem... well, your solution wouldn't have helped, and might have made things worse.

The problem wasn't my doing too many things. I've done heavier course loads before, actually, with better records at getting my homework in. The problem was insufficient scheduled transit time, or insufficient away time. Either one of those phrases, while they describe different things, would have been a partial solution. So what would really have worked? More major classes, strangely enough. Send me to the new campus daily, Sunday through Thursday, timed so that either I've got an hour or so of time between classes with nothing to do, or so that I'm going to get a seat on the subway in one or both directions. This needs to be because of an obligation, like a class or a sports practice, not just a thing that I'm doing because I think it's a good idea, or else it will fall apart quickly. That's why I say adding more major classes- it's something that could have been done, though it wouldn't have gotten approved in a million years.

I'd have needed something to do on campus, or on the subway. That would have been reading my class texts enough of the time to be helpful to my homework completion. [I know this works because transit has been how I've gotten homework done for quite a few classes over the years, and down time at an out of the way place where I don't really have time/means to go elsewhere during this time has gotten other homeworks done regularly over the years.]

Pattern recognition. It's something I'm good at. The classes I was most consistent at getting my homework done for were ones where I had enforced down time or transit time (or another class I didn't pay attention to, sorry, not actually a good student.) That doesn't happen by telling me to drop classes, by the way. That's happened when I've been ridiculously busy. Leave the house at 6 or 7 am and not get home until 8:30pm kind of busy, that was the best term and a half or so of the only year I ever got straight A's.

So yes. There was a loss from the way I handled my major classes, there's basically always a loss to every choice. So as for the loss: It's not a hit to my Chinese grades, that's mostly a function of how the class was structured (OMG so much homework, this is a problem) and partially a result of my not having that kind of stuck/down/transit time that let me get stuff done better in swim season than in not swim season. It's really, really not the Chinese grades, and you're probably not going to believe me no matter how many times I tell you that those aren't a result of my taking two major classes, not even a little bit, but that's the truth. There's exactly one day all semester where the major class I was supposed to audit but actually did the final for could have hurt my Chinese performance, and my homework was done that day- I'm talking about the day of my final presentation, when my paper was due. The paper was a one-night deal for pretty much the same reasons that my homework was an issue all semester.

No. Chinese grades weren't the loss. You probably no longer trust me not to nod along with what you think I should do, then ignore you and do what I want anyways. Which, I mean, you shouldn't trust me not to do that, because I absolutely will! It's not even the only deception-type thing I did this year- when they asked about disabilities for ADA reasons, I described way fewer effects than actually showed up over the course of this year because I didn't want to get kicked off before I even got here. But your idea that I'm pure or innocent? Yeah, I think that got lost. It's an acceptable loss, as far as I'm concerned. I'll keep laughing.

Alyssa

Education and services, by Autistic people, for Autistic people.

You can thank Emily's (Mosaic of Minds') recent tweet for inspiring this post. She asked about what autism education and services designed by autistic people would look like. I'm autistic, I have opinions on what parts of this should look like, and I'm answering!

The first bit I want to say is relevant to the tweet I made pretty much when I saw hers:

There'd be supports for executive functioning issues that also allow for the decision of "I'm not doing this right now."

That's got two main parts in it- executive functioning supports are important because a lot of autistic people have executive functioning issues. I know I have them. For me, it means I'm really bad at independently switching from one activity to another. If I'm writing, I'll probably be writing until interrupted or distracted by something. The same thing goes for browsing the internet, playing games, reading, and pretty much anything. An Alyssa in activity stays in activity until acted upon by an outside force. Noticing that I'm hungry or thirsty is less likely to happen during activity.

Given those issues, it's a really good idea to have someone who can help give me the push to switch to doing a different thing. This is where allowing for the decision of "I'm not doing this right now" gets important. Sometimes when I get interrupted, it's not actually a good idea to switch things. Maybe I'm in the middle of a breakthrough. Maybe I just don't want to do the other thing right now and know it can wait a bit longer. Maybe I don't have the energy to do it as well as it deserves to be done. Maybe I don't have the idea for the thing yet. There's a lot of reasons that I could not want to switch to a given activity right now, and while I need help initiating the switch, I also need to be able to say "I'm not switching right now" or "I'm not switching to that right now." That's both for practical reasons and for autonomy reasons. Disabled people should have the same autonomy as everyone else, which in the case of students generally means the ability to choose not to do the homework and take the consequences of that. It also means the ability to choose to talk in class/not pay attention and take the consequences of that.

Teachers would actually know that most autistic people have sensory processing issues. One of my aunts works in a classroom that has quite a few autistic kindergartners, and she didn't know that after working with a couple years of these kids. (Which kids changes every year, like usual kindergarten.) Um. How did no one tell you this? I'm not blaming her for not knowing, because you can't know stuff if you've never encountered it and no one teaches the teachers this stuff it seems, but, um, the fact that she didn't know is worrying. So: teachers should know that most of us have sensory processing issues and that most of us have some sort of movement/coordination issue.

They would also quit it with the idea of fading supports for its own sake. Some people need certain supports and fading the supports that allow us to do stuff for the sake of "independence" doesn't actually end with us being independent. It ends with us not being able to do the things. Along the same lines, they'd actually believe the words "I can't do this." I talked about this about a year and a half ago under the title "Presuming Competence." Neurodivergent K wrote about it too, with examples and everything. It's important. And like K and ischemgeek both, if it can be outstubborned, I'm probably going to outstubborn it. You might not even know that there was a problem, because I am very good at outstubborning things. I've gone to the ER with injuries where the doctors were talking about prescribing the higher-power opiate type pain-killers and left with only the antibiotics I needed for the fact that I got bitten by a pig. I then proceeded to go to an agricultural fair and walk around and go on rides. My teachers knew I got injured, but I didn't miss any school and I was never late to class and I actually started riding my bike to school again later that same week. I am very good at outstubborning things. But that doesn't change the fact that there are some things I can't do. I don't start asking for help until well past when I need it, because it's always this reaction that I should be able to do it, but no. It does not work like that. I ask for help because I need help.

And communication. I can usually do verbal/vocal language. That's different from being able to get my needs met that way. Teachers would be aware of the difference between "fluent in requesting" (thanks Julia for letting me know it just means the ability to use the "I want _____" structure, which I can do) and actually being able to ask for things that we want or need when we want or need to. Of course, if autistic people designed the system, we'd probably have given a different descriptor to the ability to use that linguistic structure because that's not what fluency generally means. Dump the terms that are kind of doublespeak. There's already far too many of them in disability/autism services/care type stuff. 

Also along the lines of communication, alternative and augmentative communication is really important. That's things like picture cards, text-to-speech, eye-gaze tracking, typing, and more kinds of things than I could pretend to know about. For me, typing on a typical keyboard and then having a text-to-speech function is enough. But for some students, it takes a lot of trying different things, and it takes knowing that even if the skills we think of as prerequisites aren't there communication can still happen. (A lot of the stuff people think of as prerequisites for communication devices are actually learned really well by trying to use the devices.) Pretty sure the writer of this wasn't autistic, but it's a good post and makes the points I want to about choosing types of AAC.

The other AAC thing, which ties back in with "knowing the structure doesn't imply always being able to communicate the thing," is that even people with oral speech can benefit from AAC. Speech goes kaput on me sometimes. Other times speech is mostly working but it's hard enough to initiate the interaction that way or ask for what I need that way that it's really a much better idea to type. Certain kinds of thinking I can't keep up while also saying the words I'm thinking of in real time, but I can sometimes type the words in almost real time. I'm actually a really good example of someone with lots and lots of communicative oral speech who still needs AAC because I can't do all the things I need to orally.

I'm sure there are more things I'd think of given time, but my brain is tired now and this is long enough for one post I think. So here, a start on "how one autistic person would design/change autism supports and services."

Insecure Writers Support Group!

Trigger Warning: References to (fictional) people thinking of murder of disabled people as merciful.

Hi.
So this is my first post for the Insecure Writer's Support Group.

The badge for the insecure writer's support group. Name in red text on a background of I'm not actually sure what.

I'm almost a week into NaNoWriMo. Guess what? I'm totally insecure about that. I have no clue if my writing is good or awful, and as much as I know NaNoWriMo is about giving myself permission to write badly? I'd rather write decently. Or even well. I'm meeting word counts, which is good, but yeah. Nervous as anything.
It probably doesn't help that the ideas I have actually are ambitious. I know that with my (lack of) executive functioning skills, if I don't just get it all out at once, I'm not going to get it out, so I'm not going to try "dropping out to give it the time it deserves" or whatever. I'm just nervous because this is not an easy first novel, unless this winds up being really different from what's in my head. I might take the two long-term protagonists an
d write their stories into separate novels that's what I'll do (yeah, that's going to mean giving up half my current wordcount but if that's what it takes to make this work and I think it might be...)
See, they're both autistic. And they present significantly differently. And they're both girls. And a lot happens to them before they meet. Alex travels a lot- she has to, since she's not even from the same country as Kaili. Kaili deals with ableism in all sorts of forms, and she moves to a tower because she's had it with people. Especially people who think it'd be merciful to kill her. Which yes, that's something people say about disabled people.
That's another thing that's really hard. Kaili is very obviously disabled. The ways the world reacts to her are hard to write.
Or the fact that I really, really want to go back and write Nina Morow's story.
I might need to, once I finish with Kaili and Alex.
And titles? Ha. How do I title?
The first million words of fiction are going to be bad.
Well. That's great news.
Put the first hundred thousand words of fiction where no one will ever find them, and after that, start putting them up. Try to sell.
I think that puts this NaNoWriMo into the range of things I should put up and try to sell. Because it's actually not my first time writing a novel. My first one was done over the course of my junior year of high school. It was bad, but I wrote a lot of words. Judging by the density of my (often illegible) handwriting and the notebook I filled, that was about 78,000 words of complete and utter junk. No, really. I've since attempted to re-read it. It was bad.
I assume I made the other 22,000 words up in other creative writing contexts, considering that I took three semesters of creative writing in high school (none of my failed novel was used in that class) and write fanfiction. So... Oh my goodness I'm actually going to put this up and hope people buy it what am I doing I am a college student.
I should probably shut up and write story instead of angsting about NaNoWriMo. If I let me, I might write 50,000 words of angst about it instead of 50,000 words of novel. Which would be bad. NaNoWriMo, not NaAngstWriMo.

Explaining in ENGLISH

Ok, so I've been in Tianjin for about a month now. Just over a month, actually. A lot of cool stuff has happened. Including...well, I said in My Problem With Homework that I'd never managed to explain my problem so a teacher understood? No longer true. I've still yet to manage it in English, but I've now done it.
And now I've translated my side of the conversation, edited a bit to make sure there is enough context for people to understand what I'm talking about, if not always why. Original Chinese here.

Trigger Warning: Reference to euthanization, Description of ableism (by teachers.)

You know how when I'm having a problem sometimes I can't talk? Now I know that if the problem happens when I'm using Chinese, I have the not able to talk thing in Chinese too.

Euthanization is the reason for this time that I can't talk.
During class, the teacher showed us a picture.
If you had something a lot of people thought was a good reason for euthanization, you'd probably be uncomfortable too.
I know the teacher doesn't agree with it. The picture is still scary and makes me uncomfortable.

It's really hard for me to start anything on my own. (Eating three meals a day and showering daily can also be a problem.) Ever heard of executive dysfunction? I still don't have a good method. If I find one (or you help me find one) then I should be fine.
This weekend I tried not doing my math stuff until I finished studying for Chinese. That failed: the result was that neither Chinese nor math was done. I'd thought that if I couldn't do the homework I wanted to do until I finished the Chinese that might help. (I'm interested in Chinese, but more interested in math.)
Starting stuff is the problem. (For example, it can take me 2 or 3 tries boiling water before I manage to add the hot water to the ramen.)
I can forget I have stuff I need to do, or I can know I need to do it and have trouble starting. Switching activities is also hard.
[The teacher asks me what I did before to get my homework done.]
That's the problem! In the USA, I'd choose classes where if I payed attention in class, I could pass the tests. I had problems in the classes where there was daily homework/previewing. I had the same problem in the USA, I was just able to choose different classes.
I know I need to do it. That's not the problem. In middle school, I mostly did my homework during other classes. One day, I got seven classes homework assignments done during class. This is bad. I know it's bad, but it was better than not getting the homework done.
My older methods:
1) Choose a different class (no good)
2) Do homework in class (no good.)
I need a third method. I need help.
Before, teachers always said because I was smart, I should be able to find a method. No one taught me to do it. Teaching me could help.

Wow. So this happened.

Ok, so I've been in Tianjin for about a month now. Just over a month, actually. A lot of cool stuff has happened. Including...well, I said in My Problem With Homework that I'd never managed to explain my problem so a teacher understood? No longer true. I've still yet to manage it in English, but I've now done it. 

I translated this into English- it's my side of the conversation, edited a bit to make sure there is enough context for people to understand what I'm talking about, if not always why.

Trigger Warning: Reference to euthanization, Description of ableism (by teachers.)

内容包括：安乐死，残疾歧视

你知道我有问题的时候可能说不出来？我现在知道，如果问题是用中文的时候发生，中文也有说不出来的问题。

安乐死是这一次说不出来的原因。

上课的时候，老师给我们看一张图片。

如果很多人认为你有的一个问题是安乐死的好原因，你也会紧张！

知道老师不同意，而看那张图片还令我紧张，可怕。

我很难自己来开始做什么事情。（在每天持三顿饭，每天洗澡也有问题）。执行功能问题听说过吗？我还没有找到好的办法。如果我找好办法（或者你会帮我找好办法）应该没问题。

这个周末我试一试做好了中文以前不开始数学的。失败了：结果是中文，数学都没有做好。我以为如果我决定做好了中文后才可以做我感兴趣的课会有帮助。（对中文也感兴趣，而对数学更感兴趣。）

开始做什么事情是我的问题。（例如说，我做方便面的时候，2，3次开水才记住把热水放在碗。）

我会忘记我自己要作什么或者我知道要做什么，而很难开始。从一个活动换到另外一个活动也很难。

[老师问我以前做好作业的方法是什么。]

这是我的问题！在美国，我选的课都是上课的时候注意听就会记住，考过。我在每天要预习这样的课从来都有问题。在美国也是这样，而在美国我会选别的课。

我知道我要做。那不是我的问题。在初中，我大多是上另外一门课的时候做作业。有一天，上课的时候做好了七门课的作业。这样做也不行！我知道这样做也不行，而那时候比不做作业好一点。

我以前的做法：

1）选另外一门课（不行）

2）上课的时候做作业（不行）

我要找第三个做法。我需要帮助。

以前，老师只说因为我聪明应该会自己想到怎么做。没有人教我怎么自学。教我怎么做会有帮助。

Get Angry and Change the World

Image Description: An upside-down crown and the words "Get angry and change the world" in all capitals. "And" and "the" are in smaller font. The text and image are white, on a green background.


No, really. Do it.
Think about how to do it best, of course, but go get angry, and go change the world.
There are lots and lots of cliches that people will tell you about anger. Some of them are true. Some are not. Go ahead and write while angry. Don't hit send, but go ahead and write that reply, go ahead and write that letter, go ahead and blog about it while you are still seeing red. Wait to publish or send until you're at least to a point of calm anger, so that you can check to make sure you didn't say anything that will just make it worse, but write while you are still angry. Use that anger.
Anger is some of the best fuel you will ever get, and it's free. All it takes to get is someone doing something to you that was wrong. Go. Being nonviolent doesn't mean you can't get angry. It means you can't go smack the person who angered you upside the face, but writing about exactly why it was wrong and how to fix it, even on the internet, is probably going to change more than hitting them anyways. Hitting them might get that one person to not mess with you again. Maybe. Or it might just get you in more trouble. Blogging about it has the chance of creating a social media crisis where they are willing to make whatever changes they have to to make it all just go away. Sending a letter has the chance of reaching a superior who had no clue this was going on and now wants it to stop. Making it an open letter that you send gets you both of these things.
Besides, one of the cliches that is true is the one about a small group of dedicated and concerned people being what changes the world. This small group may or may not have been nonviolent, but I would bet that anger was usually at least part of their fuel.
I can tell you that anger is often my fuel. With executive functioning issues, I'll take whatever fuel I can get, and anger works.
So go get angry and change the world!

A Giant Ladle

Spoons, spoons, spoons. If you haven't heard about spoon theory, this is a good time to read about it since today I am talking about having spoons or something kind of like spoons, but not the spoons you need. Instead of a soup spoon, it's a giant ladle!
Or I need to do my math homework, but what I have energy for is cleaning my room or working on the gala dresses or one of a hundred other things that probably also need doing, just aren't what I need to do right now. Sometimes I can make the sewing energy work for the math homework, but not always.
Sometimes I can sip my soup out of the ladle, and sometimes I can track down a mug to ladle my soup into, but sometimes? Sometimes I've got a shallow bowl and it really needs to be a soup spoon and I just can't make the thing that actually needs doing right now work. At that point, I can either work on whatever it is my spoons are right for or not do much of anything. (I very rarely run out of spoons completely, but finding myself with the wrong ones happens reasonably often.)
And the wrong spoons can cause just as much trouble as no spoons when they mean that what really should get done still doesn't. It doesn't help much for me to sit here working on my cure paper notecards because I have the spoons for that when I need to get food, for example. (That+writing this is what's going on as I write.) It doesn't help much when I need to get math homework done and all I can focus on is the sewing. Sure, it also needs to get done, but not right now due tomorrow crud kind of needing to get done.
Often enough, my executive functioning/wrong spoons/whatever you want to call it looks like procrastination  by doing other things that also need doing, just not right now. It's just how I work. I think it's how "I didn't do my history homework because I was too busy studying... for history" became an excuse I actually used in high school and got away with. Really. I was that random kid in the Honors section who decided to take the AP test anyways because hate hate hate history and never want to see it again, and well, it was the week of the test. I needed to study for it, and I had history homework. (These are two different topic, since the AP people need to finish the curriculum by the test date and Honors people don't, so no, doing my history homework would not have been studying for the AP test.) I had homework due the next day that I just couldn't start, but I could focus on the reading, so I read on the topics I needed to get. I still did fine in history for the year, and I still passed the AP test, so it came out OK. But yes, I think that "too busy studying for history to do my history homework" is a very me thing to say in that it gives a good sense of what my problem with getting things done it. It's not that I don't get things done. It's that I don't do things in the most logical order because wrong spoons.

Surprise Exam

This morning, I walked into my materials science course and it turns out that it was exam day. Whoops. I mean, it wasn't supposed to be a surprise, but I can't keep track of when my in-class exams are for the life of me. I've been walking into classes and discovering that "Oh, hey, I have a test today" since middle school. I've probably been doing it since elementary school, but I don't remember doing so from then because remembering things.
I'm pretty sure that the exam date was on the syllabus, and I'm pretty sure he brought it up in class at least once, but that doesn't mean I remember. Because I don't. I can mostly manage the exams where it's outside of class, and it's on the syllabus, and the teacher says about five times when and where it is. Mostly. (I did somehow wind up convinced that a final exam was the day after it really was, which wasn't as big a problem as it could have been.)
And I'm wondering if this might be related to executive dysfunction, which we pretty much know I have trouble with.
Which might also be relevant to the issues I always had in middle school.

"Put it in your planner!"
*Loses planner*
"Here's a new planner!"
*Loses new planner*
"Where's your homework?"
"Uh..."
"Let's check your locker!"
*Entire contents of locker avalanche onto our feet*
"..."

Yeah... I would also forget to write things in/look at the planner when I did know where it was.
Basically, I have no executive functioning skills, and I think this is relevant to the "surprise exam" issue.
Oh, and apparently I missed an exam when I was at the funeral last week. I can make it up Friday, though. Which will be nice.

And today I do not executive function.

Seriously. I apparently don't today. I have not managed to do:

1. The papers I'm supposed to grade.
2. The Chinese homework due last Wednesday.
3. The Chinese homework due today.
4. Any notecards whatsoever.
5. An intro paragraph or anything.
6. Any of what I had planned for today.
7. The econ homework due tomorrow.
8. The engineering design homework due tomorrow.
9. The engineering analysis homework due tomorrow.

Instead, I have:

1. Found yet more sources because I always need more sources.
2. Eaten junk food.
3. Talked to people about a completely different autism-related project (Autism 101 for a Splash.)
4. Argued with some people on tumblr.
5. Discussed ableism on facebook.
6. Tracked down the people who linked to my blog for a shout-out note.
7. Written this.

Executive functioning? What's that?

Apparently it is something I have trouble with. I know X needs to get done, and that Y needs to get done, and once I get started, I'm totally good. But remembering that it needs doing at a time when I can do it, actually starting, managing my time properly? Not so much. I have bursts of "DO ALL THE THINGS" time, like right now seems to be, and I have times when if it doesn't relate to an autistic obsession of mine, it's probably not getting done, and even if it is, I might not have it together enough to remember. The physical aspect is a non-issue. I'm actually a slightly- faster than average typist, which means that I can do most computer related stuff slightly faster than most, and much faster once you take into account the fact that I actually know how computers work. I have pretty good stamina. Really, I am extremely close to being autistic and NOTHING ELSE. (I say close because I've got some allergies, mild eczema, sensory weirdness, and apparently executive functioning issues. The sensory weirdness and the executive functioning seems to be sufficiently common that I'm not sure they really count as additional issues, though. Oh, and flat feet, plus my fine motor skills are cruddy at speed and my not walking into walls skills are crud, period. Still, not much of a much.) Essentially, there is nothing besides executive functioning failure or possibly depression that would have the effect I'm talking about, and depressed I am not. So logically, it must be executive dysfunction. Woooo knowing what the difficulty is. Now to cobble together the executive functioning to SOLVE it. Except.... whoops. That woule be the executive functioning I lack, wouldn't it?