Note For Anyone Writing About Me

Guide to Writing About Me

I am an Autistic person,not a person with autism. I am also not Aspergers. The diagnosis isn't even in the DSM anymore, and yes, I agree with the consolidation of all autistic spectrum stuff under one umbrella. I have other issues with the DSM.

I don't like Autism Speaks. I'm Disabled, not differently abled, and I am an Autistic activist. Self-advocate is true, but incomplete.

Citing My Posts

MLA: Hillary, Alyssa. "Post Title." Yes, That Too. Day Month Year of post. Web. Day Month Year of retrieval.

APA: Hillary, A. (Year Month Day of post.) Post Title. [Web log post]. Retrieved from http://yesthattoo.blogspot.com/post-specific-URL.

Sunday, March 17, 2013

What Reading Self-Advocate Blogs Does

I probably wrote this way back in October, and I have had thoughts about the term self-advocate since, but here's one of the things I wrote on Autism NOW. Not sure when the rest will be up.

Trigger Warning: Mentions of abuse, tragedy/burden talk

There's plenty of autistic people blogging, mostly adults since it's mostly adults who blog. Most of the ones I've read, most of the autistic adults who are involved in advocacy that I've talked to, most of the parents who "get it" say how important it is to listen to autistic adults. Some people might take the "what's in it for me" approach. I'd prefer that self-determination and the right to be included in conversations that concern your own future be reason enough, but just in case it isn't, here are some answers of how it really does help parents to read self-advocate blogs and how it really does help kids when their parents "get it," which is a pretty common result of reading them.
  • You can have hope. Too many of the resources you will find about autism paint a rather dreary picture of a person who will never do, well, anything. Self-advocate blogs and blogs written by Autistic adults that don't have any more relation to autism than "the writer is Autistic" both give back the idea that yes, Autistic people really can be satisfied with their lives. It's not even that unusual. It also gives the idea that somehow becoming less disabled isn't a prerequisite for being satisfied with life, which helps with seeing your kid as something other than a tragedy.
  • You can get a good idea of what needs to change so that your child will be OK as an adult. Unfortunately, many of us have had some bad experiences. Reading about them is hard. Imagining that something like that could happen to your child if societal perceptions of autism don't change provides quite the impetus to make sure things do, and it can help you realize that the way you treat autistic adults is, well, the way you are suggesting autistic adults should be treated. That's how you're suggesting people treat your child later.
  • You can get a good idea of what therapies and skills your child will find most likely find useful later (communication skills of some type, ability to speak up about problems, ability to remove oneself from a bad situation) and which ones are less likely to be useful/more likely to make your kid really, really angry (suppressing all stimming, working towards a career that is not interesting, being taught not to have boundaries.)
  • You might get a better idea of what is going on in your kids head. Plenty of people talk about how frustrating it is to have no clue what their kid is thinking, and while we don't know exactly what's going on in any head besides our own, there is a good chance that at least one of us has reacted similarly in a similar situation, and it's reasonable that something similar was going through our heads at that point. (Demanding these explanations is bad because it's not our job to translate your kid, but I'm not arguing if you get that understanding from stuff I write anyways and I'm an educator at heart so I'll probably try to answer if you ask.)
  • You might get a better idea of how your kid can communicate better. (Typing is a favorite of mine, and is generally worth a try.) You can get ideas for things you can try with explanations of exactly how and why it helps and how to tell if it is working. 
  • Being able to think of your kid as something other than a tragedy and a burden is good for your mental health. It's also good for your kids mental health, since knowing that your family considers you a tragedy and a burden really sucks. Like, this is of the level where people have committed suicide over being considered a tragedy and a burden. Talk to any parent of a child who died of cancer- a living child is much better than a dead one, always. Go read Don't Mourn for Us while you're at it- it covers the idea that you have an autistic child, and the neurotypical child you may have expected never existed, is not trapped inside the child you have. Having a mentally healthy autistic child is much better than having a psychologically traumatized autistic child, too. Basically, realizing that your kid being autistic is not inherently tragic is going to be good for both your and your kids mental health. 
Long story short, as long as your goals for your child come anywhere near lining up with the ones most parents of neurotypical kids I've spoken to have (wanting the kid to be happy, satisfied with their own life, not in danger of dying due to physical/medical needs having been neglected, not traumatized, not getting abused,) reading the blogs of autistic people is a way to realize that all this is possible and give you both hope that this will happen for your kid and ideas on how to help your kid make it happen. Sure, you won't be there to take care of your child forever, but if you help your child learn to take care of his or herself and to get help from others when needed, you won't need to be.

4 comments:

  1. Alyssa, When my son was first diagnosed, i found the usual crap~ One of those gloom and doom messages that struck me stated that 40 hours ABA therapy weekly was a MUST in order for my son to function "normally" by 1st grade. Can you IMAGINE? 40 HOURS? Weekly...fom diagnosis to age 6? of ABA? Now, to me, it is laughable. Thanks Goddess I remembered behaviorism from Psych 101 and thoroughly researched ABA. (I won't launch into what I think about ABA since your post isn't about that.) I am so glad that my instincts led me away those prominient harbingers of doom to actual Autistic people (derp, wow). To be as succinct as possible, I could choose A)the mainstream "fix" approach and we would spend our lives fighting, fighting, fighting or B)listen to the self-advocates/Aut adults and spend our lives living, living, living. I chose the latter. Hoo-Fn-Ray. Thanks Y'all.

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  2. This is wonderful and beautiful. Live life to its fullest and count all of your blessings. I love my daughter for exactly who she is and would not dream of trying to change her. We can each look in the mirror and be the best person we can be. I think of change as a process for ourselves to improve upon our own attitudes and choices, so we can be better people, better friends, family members and parents or children. Love your child or children and love yourself for who you are.

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  3. You two above commenters are awesome. Love.

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  4. Hello. Can you please email me at ThinkingAutism at gmail dot com? We have a republishing request. Thank you.

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