For some reason, I have trouble with the concept that I am allowed to have bad days, that I am allowed to mess up, that I'm allowed, essentially, to be human. It's a problem. Neurodivergent K talks about it too, and yes, I did, in fact, manage to internalize this really toxic message while still being passed off as "just" gifted.
With my getting sick this weekend, I'm seeing (at least for the moment) just how illogical and potentially bad this is. Warning forpotentially TMI discussions of sickness beyond this point.
So.
From about 10:30am or so on Saturday, I was not able to eat solid food. I had a worse headache than usual. I had muscle soreness more like what I'd expect the Monday after a two day tournament, not "spent most of the single game so far lying down on the ground." I was disoriented, in a "I can't track moving things well enough to be safe on the field" sort of way. I was winded from walking around, when normally my legs are the limiting factor and I can run around for a two day tournament.
I actually did wise up, a bit, after a teammate told me I should go home. Since it was a tournament hosted at the bottom of my campus and I live at the top of campus, this was actually possible, and I did so. I felt really guilty about it even though it was pretty clearly the logical choice.
I slept for about 4 extra hours that day, during daylight, which I normally can not do even a little. If I am sleeping during daylight, it is a sure sign that I am sick. I was also having alternating chills and sweats. Not good.
I actually got surprisingly good sleep Saturday night for how sick I was.
Sunday I was less sore, but still not feeling up to solid food or moving around. Later that day, I got diarrhea. By which I mean poop that was mostly water. That's dehydration and mineral loss right there, not good when I can't eat or drink much (nothing solid, not much liquid) but thankfully I had been over-hydrating like WOAH for the tournament that being sick was causing me to miss.
The diarrhea continued into Sunday night, enough that I didn't get much sleep... because I couldn't stay off the toilet long enough to fall asleep.
I finally asked for a substitute to teach my Monday class, not because I was pretty substantially ill and hadn't slept much and seriously should not have been in front of a class, or because at that point I had not managed to eat solid food in about 44 hours, but because I
With my getting sick this weekend, I'm seeing (at least for the moment) just how illogical and potentially bad this is. Warning for
So.
From about 10:30am or so on Saturday, I was not able to eat solid food. I had a worse headache than usual. I had muscle soreness more like what I'd expect the Monday after a two day tournament, not "spent most of the single game so far lying down on the ground." I was disoriented, in a "I can't track moving things well enough to be safe on the field" sort of way. I was winded from walking around, when normally my legs are the limiting factor and I can run around for a two day tournament.
I actually did wise up, a bit, after a teammate told me I should go home. Since it was a tournament hosted at the bottom of my campus and I live at the top of campus, this was actually possible, and I did so. I felt really guilty about it even though it was pretty clearly the logical choice.
I slept for about 4 extra hours that day, during daylight, which I normally can not do even a little. If I am sleeping during daylight, it is a sure sign that I am sick. I was also having alternating chills and sweats. Not good.
I actually got surprisingly good sleep Saturday night for how sick I was.
Sunday I was less sore, but still not feeling up to solid food or moving around. Later that day, I got diarrhea. By which I mean poop that was mostly water. That's dehydration and mineral loss right there, not good when I can't eat or drink much (nothing solid, not much liquid) but thankfully I had been over-hydrating like WOAH for the tournament that being sick was causing me to miss.
The diarrhea continued into Sunday night, enough that I didn't get much sleep... because I couldn't stay off the toilet long enough to fall asleep.
I finally asked for a substitute to teach my Monday class, not because I was pretty substantially ill and hadn't slept much and seriously should not have been in front of a class, or because at that point I had not managed to eat solid food in about 44 hours, but because I
- Wasn't actually sure I could stay off the toilet for the length of a 50 minute class period. (By the time class would have rolled around, I could. Barely.)
- Realized that making my students sick was a real risk if I tried to teach and also a terrible thing to do to them.
And yet I feel bad about asking for a substitute. I also felt bad about asking for one the week of my grandfather's funeral, by the way, because the day I needed it wasn't actually the day of his funeral. Somehow or other, I am convinced that I am not allowed to need things or to ask for things or have bad days. Even when the logical parts of my brain are aware that this is complete and utter nonsense, like here.
(Which shows up in how my father, siblings, and stepmother have a bit of a joke but also serious statement about when we're travelling together. "Alyssa asked for a thing. Now we have to do it." Because my managing to ask for a thing is apparently that rare. Yikes.)
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