As anyone who read the poem I Hid might be able to tell, I used to do my best to pass. I had quiet hands. I looked people in the forehead (except on good days, when I could and still do look people n the eye.) I'm not trying so hard to pass anymore. If all of us who function choose to pass and to not tell anyone we're autistic, then the picture of autism which says autistics are universally non-speaking children in the corner or (insert whatever narrow picture of autism you've heard before) isn't going to change. There won't be any examples of perfectly functional people who live perfectly functional lives and ARE OPENLY AUTISTIC. I say openly because someone who is trying to pass and who no one knows is autistic can't really be used as an example of an autistic who has a full life for the simple reason that no one KNOWS. So, for the sake of autism advocacy, it seems like the thing to do is to admit to being autistic.
That's not my real reason for allowing myself to flap in public, to not fake looking people in the eye on my bad days, to write when I am non-speaking rather than let people think I'm just quiet today. It's because I can't hurt myself anymore for the sake of keeping other people from hurting me. Internalizing that I shouldn't flap, that a failure to look people in the eye is a failure, and that the inability to talk means having nothing to say was hurting me. Internalizing that the way I am is somehow broken and that the best way to protect myself from hate for being autistic is to make sure no one knows I am autistic. When someone gets raped and people say that they were asking for it because of (insert whatever) there is outcry that dressing or drinking does not constitute asking for it, and that asking her to change is not the way to go. When someone is bullied for being autistic, the answer is to act less autistic. Logic, guys? Hate is hate, and the answer ain't to act like you aren't a member of the target group. The answer is to address the hate. So I will flap. And I might not look you in they eye. And if you are hateful for it, if you demonize me for it, the violence is your fault, not mine.
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